Dues Paid

Do as you’re told.

As hard as growing up can be, the simplicity of those words always made sense to me: Follow the

rules. Be an example. Shut your mouth and do what is expected of you. Lines drawn so deeply in the sand

it might as well have been concrete.

Of course, as I got older, those lines changed ever so slightly. They gained nuance and

perspective. Follow the plan. Shut up and put the work in.

Pay your dues.

If you were raised in the same fashion I was, these golden gems were often filigreed in the ever—

present judgment of god and the church. After all, we’re told very plainly to honor thy mother and father,

right? The generations of god-fearing folk before us honed those words into the sword and shield of

Christian guilt- powerful enough to shame us into almost anything. The passive-aggressive might that

would come to alienate almost an entire generation of church-going youth.

But this isn’t about religion. Not really. It isn’t about god or the church either.

You see, for me, those locked-in rules of my youth always felt like they had an expiration date.

Even when I was very young, I remember consoling myself with the idea that one day, I would be the one

making the plans. I would be the one who had paid his dues.

It’s taken me almost my entire lifetime to realize that there never was a finish line. The goal posts

were never within range. It won’t ever truly be “my turn” for some people in my life.

As adults, our lives become more about our own goals, aspirations, and plans. When you start

paying taxes, paying a mortgage, and creating more human beings, you realize that you finally have some say

in what direction your life can go. That taste of freedom, the feeling that you’re finally shrugging off the

yolk of responsibility to your youth, is intoxicating.

But I’ve come to find that, for many of us, that sense of freedom is a lie. For many of us, those

responsibilities to toe the line haven’t ended at all. Oh no, they’ve simply become deeper, trickier to

navigate, and much more personal.

You’ll find the evidence all over if you look with a critical eye. It’s reading the four-page note

from your mom that she wrote after you decided to make plans with your wife, the mother of your

children, on her first Mother’s Day. It’s the text messages from your dad about how selfish you’re being

when you try to establish a new tradition for your own family. It is the outraged blowback you get when

you, god forbid, try to create a personal boundary in a close relationship.

The details change, but the indignation is always there. How dare you put yourself ahead of us?

Why do you always have to make a big deal out of nothing? This is the way it’s always been, why should it

change for you?

In many ways, finally realizing that all of these moments were essentially the same has made me

feel dumb. Running headlong into the revolving door of everyone else’s needs, not realizing that my

desire to care for myself and put my needs first is getting labeled as selfishness by the people meant to

care about me the most. Being surprised by that betrayal every time, it has made me feel naïve beyond

measure.

So, when are your dues finally paid? When is it time to put yourself first and make your needs a

priority? If I knew the answer to that question, I wouldn’t end up feeling so stupid when I run right back

into that revolving door.

All I know is that a cancer diagnosis, coupled with other life-threateningly serious family health

issues, hasn’t been enough. 2 years’ worth of chemo, radiation, ER visits, and countless days of pain

haven’t been enough to put my ledger in the black for some folks.

I can say, “be strong”. I can fill these lines with positive affirmations and quips about the strength

of a fighting spirit, but if you’re reading this, you’re as tired of that bullshit as I am.

The truth I keep returning to is this: for some people, it will never be enough. For some of the

closest people in your life, you will never be able to pay your dues. No amount of discussion will ever be

enough.

What matters is your truth and the way you stand up for yourself. Start today. Start right now.

Show up for yourself when you can, and damn it, don’t ever apologize. Speak up and make your own

plans. Be an advocate for yourself. The most important dues you need to pay are the ones you set within

yourself. Be true to those, and your true family, blood and chosen, will be there with you, I can promise you that.